What our kids learn from us about Money by Chris Joosse


What we learn has less to do with what we are told than it does with how we interpret it.

Within the conversation of how we learn anything about the world in which we live, I'd like to offer the notion that what your kids are learning from you about money is rarely what you're telling them- they know enough to watch what you do, not what you say.
 
If what you do around money inspires them, they'll likely model your behavior.
If what you do around money doesn't (if, for example, you use money to control them, etc) they'll likely reverse-model your behavior in order not to be the kind of person they didn't like dealing with.
 
To a large degree, what kids learn is arbitrary- they'll come to their conclusions just like you did when you were little- and most humans are ruled in part by conclusions they reached when they were a kid, believe it or not.  This will happen to them too, and in the process of growing up they'll deal with it too.  The best you can do is to get your own financial life in order, be happy and peaceful in your own life, and influence your kids by getting your own life right.

I'd like to expand on a point I made earlier, about the things that kids learn from you being largely arbitrary- because people by their nature are arbitrary about the decisions they make.  The conclusions we draw from events that take place are only loosely related to the events that shaped them.
 
For example, my mom was a stay-at-home mom and my dad's income supported us.  Dad made good money and mom managed the household budget.  They never discussed money in front of the kids, apart from moralizing that being this way or that way about money is bad.  They also admonished us not to tell other people that we were well off. That's what happened.
The conclusions I personally drew are different- I decided, at some point, the following things:

  1. The proper role of a man is to go out and make enough money to support a family. (hey, that's what dad did, and he's the greatest)
  2. The proper role of a woman is to control and spend it. (that's what mom did, and I hated it when she used money as a control)
  3. Money matters are not to be spoken about, except in private.
  4. If you have a lot of money, other people will dislike or resent you.
  5. Debt reflects poor moral character.

Now, my parents didn't tell me any of these things- like everybody's parents here, they were busy telling me about saving and being frugal and working hard and earning it and how it can't buy love or happiness- but what they said didn't impact me nearly as much as what they did, and what they did left questions that my imagination answered.  Logically I recognize that none of the above conclusions are 'true'- these were the conclusions of a child, doing the best he could in a world that didn't provide complete information. 

As an adult, now that I relate to my parents as adults and am able to talk to them about it, I'm beginning to see how truly bizarre the conclusions I drew about how the world is really were.  I'm also more truly able to recognize how profoundly they have played out in my life... and most importantly, I realize and appreciate that the child who made those choices did his best, but that this is my life now and I'm free to re-cast those choices. 

I'm also more truly able to recognize that my parents were doing the best they could, (good Lord, they were young when they had me) and that despite their doing all the right things, I still had to learn a lot of what I've learned the hard way.  I am resigned to the fact that my children will bark their shins on life in much the same way.

I guess the moral of my story here is that kids will learn from you what they'll learn from you, and that most of that will be arbitrary- maybe some of what you said will stick, but that you can definitely count on their modeling (or reverse- modeling) you, depending upon whether you inspire them as a role model.  (for example, it's scary how much I have in common with my dad, for better and for worse.  I can also see how my attempts to not be like my mom in certain ways have shaped me, for better and for worse.)

So what will I teach my kids?  I recognize that what I say will have little to do with that- who I am will be much, much more important.  In a sense, I won't teach them anything- instead, they will learn by watching me (and other role models in their lives) and because they are human, they too are doomed to draw their own conclusions in life.    In another sense, I will teach them everything I can, because with more being said there will be less need for guesswork on their part.  The best I can do is be happy in my own life, and with any luck they'll decide that's a good way to be too.